Where Do I Go From Here?
There comes a point to our lives where we look around us and think why am I here. I have been to college and earned a degree, been to high school and earned a diploma, lived at both my mom and dads house and somehow lived through that. Meet the former President Bill Clinton and his wife. I have ran a business and been successful after working for large corporations.
The problem is that all that really matters to me right now is my personal life not my money or what people think of me. What I mean by this is where is that love that I always hoped for and dreamed of. What is life if you can’t share it with someone? Why fight for gay marriage if I can’t even find a boyfriend that stays around for more than an hour.
Someone recently committed suicide in the town I live in and I totally felt it because I can feel the loneliness he is going thorough. It is a loneliness that some people may never understand. My heart feels empty with no one that really even comes to see me. My sister is married now, brother is too busy making movies and his teaching, and Mother rarely comes to my town. I do have a good friend who comes here but he is either so drunk or busy grinding that the quality time together does not amount to much. And it about goes that way with all of my friends with an acceptation of a few. ‘
A few other of my best friends never get out of the house and I rarely see him unless we are on a business trip across the ocean. The others have a third boyfriend in their mix and rarely have time to hang out with the outsider of a group I used to feel an insider to.
There is no chance of love life and it is so far away I cannot even begin to understand what to look for. why or how anyone would be interested in me I would not know, Everyone seems so happy with their boyfriends and their likes already why would they want me/.. what do I hae to offer/.
One of the suicides last week happened to be a gay dancer where he was a highly talented artist who also hda lots of talent on the dance-floor, He moved down here to get haead of his feet and build an exciting new life for himself. Dallas will do that to you until you get into the drugs and the personalities that will convince you of a life or dream that really does not pull that much happiness. Dancing at gogo bars and working out brings out so much serotonin and gives you a major ego boost and yes that gives you some happiness but it only lasts so long. There will be drama and there will be backstabbing people involved and when it comes down to it do you really have any friends you can trust?
I went through so much last year that I felt that I had pretty much died in pain if not died completely. I still feel a little dead from last years horrors of pain I went through. Maybe my body has not completely recovered but it was something that was not imaginable that could even happen to a human being. I have had STDs and that was some of the problems that dancer was going through but STDs are NOTHING compared to other complications you can get with your body such as shingles.
With dreams I feel they are to im possibly to fulfill by saying I have made calls to realtors and leasing agents to try and get quotes and contracts started, Nothing seems to ever pan through. Not really sure here to go from here, I feel worthless and not sure where to turn,
It goes back to do I really need something like someone that loves me around me more to help me with drive in my life to accomplish things tht I need to accomplish such as a new club or restaurant opening.
I would love to just have someone that texted or called me to go to the clubs, hang out at my house and watch a movie, take a vacation together. maybe even go play tennis or bowling together. It seems I cant meet anyone who has interest in hanging out with me for any of this. I would even be happy in a normal person to go out and have some drinks with. Are there really no guys out there that would want to get to know me and just hangout at my place drinking?
This goes back to that deep feeling of loneliness and it is so hard to get away from. Ad the year hits on my birthday, Christmas, thanksgiving, new years, and valentines day it gets worse aand worse. How much depression can one take without at least finding a wing man or a good friend who is single and in the same situation much less finding someone they truly need a boyfriend or someone closer.
I have either came at the end of my life or rope or community. Maybe it is time that I move and see if I can learn to bond with more people in another community and meet some friends that care for me more and want to spend more time with me. Am I getting too old to do that though? it seems no one cares about you after a certain age and expect you to already have life together by then,
Where do I begin my search for a decent guy? I have exhausted the clubs in that search and it seems to come up with nothing but a zero to trick now and then. I am just not social or outgoing enough to talk to the guys that I need to talk to or get to know,. Then again I am looking for that guy that will show me a personality I did not know I had and maybe bring me out of my cage again. That person has to be out there somewhere and that is what I am hoping. Once they release me from my cage I will be able to do much more with my life and not only improve on myself, help them, and grow my business.
I am thinking I need to move somewhere and try and start over before it is too late with too much more depression or things getting me down, I feel there may be too much bad energy here in the city I am living and it could be hurting my chances of meeting someone or focusing on my business,. A move could also be devastating and a major mistake but it is a rick that you have to take sometimes,